33 Reasons Why You Have Found Your Soul Mate

  1. Your first conversation on the phone was like one long sentence. Serendipity is the name of your game. Each pause was so brief that it was barely noticeable. You could not stop sharing your interests with them or listening to them share their interests. In fact, you could not believe that this person had such similar interests as you and that they were so interesting!
  2.  When you finally went on that first date, it was epic. Sure, you had a great time. You got to know each other a lot better. But more than that…in the back of your mind…on some level…you just knew.
  3. Your first meal together: no matter how hungry you were, you could barely eat anything because of the swarm of butterflies in your stomach. And when you could finally share a meal together without that swarm of  butterflies, you found out something else. When you’re sharing a dessert, she always offers you the late bit of ice cream at the bottom of the bowl. The same way you will always offer her the last piece of cake, or the last cookie.
  4. You both have the same Love Language. If her Love Language is Quality Time, so is yours! If his Love Language is Acts of Service, so is yours! Or, maybe you both share the Love Languages of Physical Affection or Words of Affirmation. No matter which ones you share, you find out quickly that you are so far ahead of the game in compatibility, that other couples would be jealous if they knew.
  5. Your life goals track educationally. Either you both have finished college or you are both in college. Either you both are out of high school and have no interest in going to college, or you are both firmly established in your careers. No matter what phase you are in, you are pleased to discover that your potential life partner is in the same phase.
  6. Even if you differ in specific political views, you at least approach politics from the same direction. You both either believe in big government or small government, helping people or not helping people, and you both have the same general idea of what freedom looks like and what it means to be free. So, even if you support different parties or candidates, you tend to do so for almost the exact same reasons.
  7. You are quick to defend each other. When one of you feels like the other is being attacked or bullied or even belittled, the other is the first to come to their aid, providing support in whatever way is needed.
  8. She’ll ask about how your day went and then waits to let you tell her all about it. She seldom interrupts and then only with conscientious questions or offers of encouragement. While this is new to you, you quickly come to realize that this is what a healthy relationship looks like. And you are only too happy to reciprocate.
  9. Your first kiss, no matter how clumsy or awkward, opens your eyes to an important fact: Not only do you not want to stop kissing her for the rest of the date…you also realize that you really don’t want to stop kissing her for the rest of your life…This thought both surprises and excites you.
  10. You love to dress up and look nice for each other. You like him in a suit and you love wearing that special dress for him when you are dining at a fine restaurant. BUT you also love him in jeans or sweats and a t-shirt. And you are so happy that he loves seeing you being comfortable in your favorite sweat shirt and no make-up.
  11. Life happens. You both get so busy with work, errands, children, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc. But you ALWAYS make time for each other.
  12. Their name comes up in conversation at least once whenever you are talking to anyone. Because they are now part of your story.
  13. Every couple has “our show” which you watch together and neither of you would ever dream of watching an episode individually and skipping ahead of the other…and THAT is love.
  14. He opens the car door for you. He holds the doors at restaurants, stores, etc. for you. When you are sitting down to eat, it does not matter if you are in a 5 star restaurant or at home with just the two of grabbing a quick bite around the kitchen table. He pulls out the chair for you. Every. Single. Time.
  15. You are a true team. Whenever an issue arises, the problem at hand is the focal point. You do not blame each other when life happens. You partner together to resolve whatever crisis presents itself.
  16. You love planning a grand adventure requiring a great deal of resources of both time and money…but you get equal enjoyment from seemingly mundane chores such as going to the grocery store…all that matters is that you are together.
  17. She steals your shirts…and looks damn good in them.
  18. You don’t complete each other. You weren’t really looking for a serious relationship when fate dropped the two of you in each other’s lives. You were complete before you met. You were adulting successfully and you were happy. But after just a few dates (or, in some cases, after the First Date!) you honestly cannot imagine your life without them.
  19. In fact, you both probably started planning a future with each other long before you admitted it to either yourself or each other…
  20. She laughs at your stupid jokes and puns. She laughs because you are so over the top cheesy and goofy. She just loves how ridiculous you are.
  21. The morning texts he sends you and the sweet texts he sends you randomly throughout the day, puts a smile on your face. Others even comment on how happy you are all the time.
  22. You have pet names and nicknames for each other that sound crazy when other people overhear you. What might sound like an insult to others is something that you have incorporated into your dialogue for some reason or another. These names are nothing more or less than terms of endearment.
  23. Hair a mess, no make-up, but there is something about the way the light touches her eyes when she is looking at you…it just kinda takes your breath away.
  24. You both had less than ideal relationships in the past. You’ve both built up walls in one form or another as a defense mechanism, a form of self-protection that was necessary at the time. You may have even given up on the whole concept of love as a thing. But none of that matters now. Now that you’re together, all the walls have come down. The intimacy and vulnerability that seemed so scary before now somehow feels safe.
  25. You are each other’s biggest cheerleader. You freely give each other encouragement to dream big dreams and achieve incredible goals. You not only bring out the best in each other naturally, you also challenge each other to go beyond your respective comfort zones and grow as individuals.
  26. You can not only finish each other’s sentences more often than not, but you have taken it to a whole ‘nother level. When others are talking to you and you are both there, you both have a tendency to respond with the same word or phrase at exactly the same time.
  27. You’re blown away that she not only likes super-hero movies, but that she can also speak intelligently on the subject of DC vs. Marvel, the Justice League vs. Avengers/ X-Men, etc. She’s also pleasantly surprised by your enjoyment of romantic-comedies.
  28. You know his strengths and defer to him when a problem requires something in his skill set. At the same time, you know your own strengths and have no problem asserting yourself when necessary.
  29. You’ve seen each other at your worst, and you are not phased at all. You’re not going anywhere. You wouldn’t dream of it. Not being together is something that you cannot even fathom.
  30. The crazy things you say, half-jokingly, are given thoughtful, if amused, consideration by the other.
  31. When you are with each other, it just feels like home. Doesn’t matter where you are. You always have that feeling of belonging when you are together.
  32. You both look up sappy romantic blogs and articles with titles like ‘Ways to Tell if You Have Found Your Soul Mate’ and send them to each other…
  33. You had certain plans for the future that did not include meeting your soulmate. Now those plans have all gone to shit. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University. He also holds a Bachelor of Arts in English and a Bachelor of Arts in History from Kennesaw State University as well as a Master of Arts in Organizational Management from the University of Phoenix. He has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.

Connect!

My First Blog:      http://jbhpoetry.blogspot.com/

Twitter:                 @jbh418

Facebook:              facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2017 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

Advertisements

When I Say “I Miss You…”

When I Say “I Miss You…”

img_20170511_075620387_33813812313_o

When I say I miss you, I mean,

I miss the way I feel when we kiss.

I miss the sight of you in my eyes.

I miss the vision of you in my mind.

My fingertips miss the touch of your skin.

My mouth misses the ruby red of your lips.

Other people can keep all the dandelion seeds,

I don’t need wishes or dreams anymore…

not where I’m headedimg_20170510_153217252_34582475006_o

Let other lovers lie to each other and themselves,

hiding behind words always left  unsaid.

My ears miss our conversation full of strong gentle words:

mostly confessions, musings, and music.

I miss the steady gaze… the care, the love–

your eyes full of starlight stop my breath when you stare…

my hands miss holding the brown and black gold of your hair.

My feet are not cold:  when faced with glory or

another short chapter in the story of my life

the only sin would be in not going where God has led them.

27946070322_7a44a7a8bb_oLet the ones who have zeroes and commas

on their bottom line enjoy all the riches of this world.

Let those who crave fame have their flames fanned

by the applause of all the hands on the planet.

Let those who hunger for power instead of bread

slowly grow cold with the need for control…

I would rather be loving you instead.

The Beginning

new profile scruffy

 

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.

Connect!

My First Blog:      http://jbhpoetry.blogspot.com/

Twitter:                 @jbh418

Facebook:              facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2017 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

Jesus & Jefferson Get Some Coffee

 

NEW! Be the first to read the latest short story by Jefferson Holbrook!!

2015-jeep-renegade-660x400

I’m driving toward my favorite coffee shop the other day. Morning traffic is crazy as usual. I’m meeting my friend for coffee before I head off to work. The funny thing is, when I try to stop for a quick cup of coffee on my way to work, I am ALWAYS late. But when I meet Him for coffee and we sit down and talk, I always make it to work on time somehow…weird. I’ll never figure Him out. And I’m beginning to suspect that is how He likes it.

A tow truck barrels through a red light and I have to slam on my brakes to avoid getting T-boned. “Jesus!” I exclaim without thinking. And, of course, there He is.
“Bam! Here I AM!” He says sounding happy. He always sounds happy. A little annoying sometimes. He loves to rhyme, too. I think He just loves words in general.styx-1
“I see what you did there.” I manage to say. He always tries to get me talk to Him like I would a friend or brother. It’s sometimes hard for me, because of who He is, but I try. And He is the One who always tells me that I don’t have to be perfect, just try my best.

“That was a close one!” He remarks as he starts pushing the buttons on my satellite radio. An old song by Styx comes on. “Hey! This can be like your new car’s theme song. You know, because you’re driving a Renegade!” Every song He finds on the radio always starts playing from the beginning, weird.s-l225
“What is that smell? Is that curry?” It’s hard to get His attention sometimes. It’s like He’s experiencing everything all at once. Some kind of angelic ADD. He’s poking the buttons on the sunroof, opening it, closing it halfway, tilting it.
“I was in India. Stopping an earthquake.”
“But why do you smell like curry?”

“Well, I was actually having dinner with some friends, and then there was this earthquake that was starting.”
“And?”
“And I kinda stopped it. I didn’t want to see the restaurant buried under rubble. The food there is so so good.”

“Well, okay. That explains the smell. But why do you have to make such a dramatic entrance?”

“I’m the Son of God. All my entrances are dramatic.”

“Well, uh. Okay, then.” I reach for my turn signal and slow down as the nation’s most famous coffee shop gets closer.44609-house-curry-vege-hot-xl

“Wait, not this one. Let’s go to the next one.”

“Are you going to tell me why?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, whatever.” I mutter as I speed back up and head for the next one. Fortunately it is only about a block away. As it gets closer, I venture to inquire. “Why don’t you ever answer my questions?”

He thinks for a moment before offering, “Now, that question I will answer.” I am silent, not wanting to ruin the moment. He drops these little truth bombs on me from time to time. “Answers can be anyone’s. Even if they are technically correct answers, they could still have originated with someone else, your teachers, your parents, etc.” He pauses then looks at me intently. His steady gaze, the compassion, the power, is absolutely unsettling. “But questions. The curiosity. The wondering. That is your own.”

“Wow.” I say as I pull into the parking space. “If you had a microphone you could actually drop…” I am interrupted by a thudding sound, and then the loud sound of feedback echoes from the speakers of my Jeep. Looking down, I see an actual cordless microphone lying on the passenger floor. “Really?” Jesus gets out of the car smiling shyly. I would almost swear He’s blushing a little, but it’s so hard to tell with his dark skin.drops-mic

I can’t find my sunglasses, so I squint at the bright sunlight as I walk toward the glass front door of the coffee shop. I’m pretty sure the microphone will be gone by the time we get back to the car, but anything is possible. That’s the thing you learn about Jesus. Absolutely anything is possible.

Once we’re inside, I start to smile. This is always the most exciting part for me. They ALWAYS get his name wrong. You think it wouldn’t be so hard, because he has like a million different names, but they are never anywhere close to getting it right.

He always orders something different. Usually always gets the special. If they forget to write the special of the day on the chalkboard menu, then he will just ask the cashier what he or she recommends. The cashier today seems disinterested. She’s attempting unsuccessfully to multi-task by texting on her cell phone that she is hiding (again, unsuccessfully) behind the register.

He gives His name as “Jehovah”…and when we pick up our drinks, the following lame attempt is scrawled on the side of the cup:

jerema

“Okay, that’s a new one.” I remark as we find a table.

“There’s a place where they actually use something really close to that name for Me.” Suddenly there seemed to be a faraway look in His eye.

“Oh yeah?” I say, pulling out my chair. “And what place is that?”

“It’s not important. Suffice it to say, that Jake was right. There are other worlds than this one.”jake-and-roland

I don’t even bother to ask who “Jake” is or what other worlds He’s talking about, because I know He won’t tell me. The Dude likes His secrets, that’s for sure. But I do venture a repeat of an earlier question. “So, you want to tell me why we are at this location instead of the other one? This one is further away from work. I just don’t want to be late.”

“Have I ever let you be late? In case you haven’t noticed, I am in the business of giving back time that life takes away.” He smiles at this statement, like it brings Him all the joy in the world.

“Okay, so why this one?” I take a tiny sip of my coffee but it is still too hot to drink.

clock“You’ll find out in about seven minutes…. But why don’t you ask Me what you really want to ask?”

“Um, uhh…” I hesitate. It’s not just that He knows too much about my life and what I’m going through, it’s that He knows absolutely everything about my life and what I struggle with. “I…” don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe there aren’t any words for this question. Maybe there never were.

Just then I am saved by an angry outburst at the counter. “I ordered mine before they ordered theirs! I should have gotten mine first! I don’t have time for this ____.” The bespectacled overweight gentleman at the counter is gesticulating wildly with his hands. The last word in his tirade was cut off by the sound of a car horn from the nearby intersection.

I smile. This is just too good. I’ve seen Him do this before. He does it all the time. The man at the counter is demanding his morning beverage as his face is turning red with rage. As he sprinkles his exclamation with expletives, a car alarm goes off in front of the coffee shop. The beeping of the alarm is timed perfectly to censor the man’s curse words.coffee-cup-small

“I think You can stop now. He got his coffee.” I point out, as if He didn’t know.

The older man is still muttering to himself as he struggles to get the lid off of his coffee cup. “You probably didn’t put enough sugar or cream in it. You never do!” He yells out to no one in particular.

“So, your question?” He insists. That steady compassionate gaze is unraveling all my mental safeguards that I use to vainly protect my insecurities and vulnerabilities.lottery-neon

“Are you going to tell me if I’m going to win Power-ball?” I quip.

“You don’t even play the lottery. You got to be in it to win it, brother.” Again with the rhyming. He takes a healthy gulp of his coffee before continuing. “And I know you don’t want to know about the future. It’s your past you want to know about.”

crystal-ball-1My mind reaches for the words. They are still not there.

He smiles gently and forms the words for me. “All those years ago. It was not your fault. I think on some level you know this to be true, but let me put your fears to rest.”

I look out the window at the passing cars. I look at the man struggling to doctor his coffee with more sugar and cream than is healthy for anyone. I look down at the floor. Anything to distract me from the truth. The truth and that calm stare from my friend. Can I trust Him?

coffee-station“It was not your fault, or your brother’s fault, that he left you and your mother. It was not even her fault. You can stop blaming her, your brother, and especially yourself.”

I’m fighting the tears back with all my might. I don’t want to cry in the middle of this stupid coffee shop. He reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. I don’t pull my hand away.

Hot tears form tiny rivers down my face but nobody seems to notice. I have Him to thank for that. I have Him to thank for so much. “But why?” I manage to croak. My voice is unfamiliar to me.

I think He’s not going to answer this, but He surprises me. He always does. “Well, when people come together and make families, there is a certain mental, emotional, and spiritual weight to the structure. And people by themselves cannot support that structure. Not without my help. But I have to be asked, invited in. Then I can come in and hold everything up…you know, keep it going.” I blink my eyes free of tears. It makes sense to me…finally. “You were never meant to go it alone.” A wry smile turns up one corner of His mouth.1pc-cute-miniature-ceramic-handmade-coffee-spoon-font-b-sugar-b-font-honey-font-b-stirrer

Just then, the man who was raging before about not getting his coffee first reaches the door. One hand clutches his beloved drink, a newspaper tucked under that arm. His free hand extends toward the handle of the glass door, misses it completely, hitting the glass and sliding downwards. He smacks his head on the door with a low thudding sound on his way down to the ground.

A barista shrieks as the coffee shop erupts in chaos. I begin to wonder if it has been seven minutes yet.

“Someone call 911!” a stranger cries, while waiving his cell phone around in the air in front of him. “Why don’t you just call 911?” I think to myself.

The large man is lying on the ground in front of the door in a crumpled heap. Jesus is on his feet and across the room before I even notice He has moved. Others are there too, fussing over the body. Someone has grabbed the man’s wrist. “I can’t find a pulse!” He yells.

There are some tensambulancee moments when the din dies down and an awkward silence fills the shop,thick like the odor of coffee.

Jesus reaches down toward one of the man’s legs where the man’s slacks have ridden up slightly, exposing a fleshy calf. When His hand touches the man’s leg, he immediately gasps loudly half-way sitting up from the floor. The sudden spasm shocks the little crowd gathered close around him and they recoil.

Sirens can be heard in the distance, coming closer. There is another entrance to the coffee shop and we decide to use that one. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that He doesn’t like to stay around for accolades or public praise.

As we turn down the nearby highway that leads to the building where I work, an ambulance flashes past lights and sirens blaring. As the noise fades, I ask “So, when do you want to meet again?”

“As always, I am going to leave that up to you. You let me know.” The roller coaster of emotions I have experienced this morning has my nerves all jangled, but He seems fine. “Yo. Here ya go.” His hand comes up and I see that He is handing me my sunglasses.

“Where did You find these? I thought I lost them.” I ask the question before I can stop myself. Finding what is lost is kind of His thing.

“Just put them on.” He rarely utters blunt commands like that, so obey immediately.jeepset

As soon as I get the shades arranged on my face, a truck carrying sheets of glass on its side turns onto the road in front of me. The morning sun strikes the glass at just the right angle to provide a blinding flash of light that robs me of sight for at least a full second.

I don’t even have to look over toward the passenger seat to know that Jesus has left the Jeep. He’s so dramatic.

Just then, the radio clicks on and a song starts playing. “Walkin’ on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves. I roll my eyes. Jesus.end-001

 

14207626_10210650027230690_5837287044457880435_o

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his boys in the southeastern United States.

Connect!

My First Blog:      http://jbhpoetry.blogspot.com/

Twitter:                 @jbh418

Facebook:              facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

Brighter

brighter

 

My goal has always been to inspire, motivate, and encourage through my photography and writing, please leave a comment below if you have a chance. I welcome the feedback!

J

**********

14207626_10210650027230690_5837287044457880435_o

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his boys in the southeastern United States.

Connect!

My First Blog:      http://jbhpoetry.blogspot.com/

Twitter:                 @jbh418

Facebook:              facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

 

I Can’t Believe Anything I Say!

I Can’t Believe Anything I Say!

New! Top Ten Things to Do to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

by Jefferson Holbrook, DSC.

— Step # 7 Negative Self-Talk! —

The highly anticipated, short-awaited next installment in the Top Ten Ways to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! is finally HERE!!

Just a quick recap: As part of the Self-Help articles (Selfish-Helpless), we have so far learned 6 key ways to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

  1. Complaining
  2. Blaming
  3. Procrastinating
  4. Holding Grudges
  5. Lying
  6. Don’t Volunteer!

Step Seven: Negative Self-Talk!

Jancee Dunn, in an article titled: “Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways to Silence Your Inner Critic,” maintains that “A little self-criticism is a good thing: It can be a reality check that spurs you to be a better person.” She goes on to clarify that statement a bit further. “But there is a vast difference between ‘I need to work out more,’ which sparks your motivation, and ‘I’m a jiggly blob’.” (Article published 4/8/2013)

Maybe you are not normally too hard on yourself. Well, I’m here to help. If we actually only give ourselves constructively critical motivation, then there is not much chance we can leverage that self-dialogue to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!map

Being overly critical of ourselves is not something that you want to do just once in a while. Like many of the other things we have discussed since we began our journey to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!, consistency is the key. But how do we cultivate an overly critical spirit towards ourselves? Well, if you have the misfortune of partnering with someone in relationship that is self-absorbed, selfish, self-centered, and narcissistic, then you have already received a great example of taking criticism to unhealthy emotional extremes.

potato-b

If you happen to be in a relationship, you should know that being critical of your partner is one of the single most destructive things you can do. If you don’t know this truth yet, then Denial is not just a river in Egypt. You will learn the veracity of this sooner or later. This will usually end things in a hurry, especially if you are adept at coupling constant criticism with a lack of encouragement. And, of course, this will get you well on your way to making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

Speak your horribleness into the universe, and the universe will work with you to bring about a horrible life!

As stated in previous entries, these things that you can do to train-wreck your year overlap some. You can use some in conjunction with each other. For instance, Complaining is useful when you are being too hard and demanding on those around you. Lying is a key component to negative self-talk, because there are so many things you should be saying to yourself negatively, and most of them will not actually be true! Lying to yourself about how good you are can be destructive because you can build yourself up and end up in situations in which you are destined to fail. On the flip side (“Side B” on the 90 minute cassette tape!) you can lie to yourself about how horrible you are, dumb, ugly, etc. And we will see how believing the worst about yourself can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Speak your horribleness into the universe, and the universe will work with you to bring about a horrible life!

cassette

Let’s “play the tape forward” as the therapists say, and see how it plays out. Being overly critical of others can isolate you and eventually lead to depression. But being overly, unnecessarily critical of yourself can eliminate the immediate need to be isolated. You can be depressed even sooner! And, let’s be honest, who wants to wait extra time to tip headlong into the black abyss of depression? Impatience is actually a virtue when you are working on making this year Your Worst Year Ever!

Engaging in negative self talk can provide a convenient short-cut to low self esteem and depression. But what if this does not come naturally to you? You might be saying, “But, Dr. Jefferson B. Holbrook, I am easy-going and only engage in constructive criticism with myself appropriate to whatever situation I find myself.” Again, I’m here to help.the_blob_poster

The following is a less-than-exhaustive list of possible things you can say to yourself. The first list is full of examples of what you can say to yourself regarding your looks. Using these statements can impact your mood, self-esteem, and keep you generally feeling bad about yourself:

  1. [I have to start out with the aforementioned…] “I am a jiggly blob.”
  2. I’m too skinny.
  3. My hair never looks good.
  4. My hair is too _______ (curly, straight, etc.)
  5. I am shaped like a potato.
  6. Nobody loves me.
  7. I am unlovable.
  8. I am super-ugly and will die alone.
  9. My fashion sense is completely wack.
  10. I am an asymmetrical freak of nature.

time-is-broken-2-by-applepo3-320x214

This next list involves your character and conduct more so than your looks. Bad habits and character defects are equally represented:

  1. I am late everywhere I go. I just can’t get it together.
  2. I am just so dumb.
  3. I am stupid.
  4. I never make the right decisions.
  5. I have so many regrets.
  6. I’ll never be happy. I deserve to be unhappy.
  7. I’ll always be this way.
  8. I’ll never get ahead.
  9. All those people who said I would never succeed, they were right!
  10. I never finish what I ….

Even if you think that there is nothing really wrong with you, you can begin to practice saying these statements to yourself. There is always room for improvement. The key is to leverage that ‘room for improvement’ by exaggerating your own deficiencies to yourself.

homer_simpson___06___simpsons_by_frasier_and_niles-d38uqts

In the less than immortal words of Homer Simpson, “I am smart! I am smart! S.M.R.T., S.M.R.T., d’oh, no wait, S.M.A.R.T. I am smart!!” Yeah, um, not so much. You might be super dumb, but thinking you are smart, might at times actually work in your favor. There is definitely a place for ‘Delusions of Grandeur’ in making this year Your Worst Year Ever!

signs-that-you-have-a-bad-dressing-sense

In conclusion, there is one commonality in all of these character traits we have thus far discussed. If you are serious about making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!, then you need to be committed to becoming your own worst enemy. As always, feel free to leave a comment below indicating how your efforts are coming along to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

 

14207626_10210650027230690_5837287044457880435_o

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his boys in the southeastern United States.

@jbh418

facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

Volunteerism Must Die!

Volunteerism Must Die!

New! Top Ten Things to Do to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

by Jefferson Holbrook, DSC.

— Step # 6 Don’t Volunteer! —

The long-awaited, highly anticipated next installment in the Top Ten Ways to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! is finally HERE!!

Just a quick recap: As part of the Self-Help articles (Selfish-Helpless), we have so far learned 5 key ways to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

  1. Complaining
  2. Blaming
  3. Procrastinating
  4. Holding Grudges
  5. Lying

Step Six: Don’t Volunteer!

Let’s face it. At the end of the day, your time is your own. It belongs to you and no one else. So why on earth would you give your time to anyone else?! You deserve it. Keep all your time. Some people actually volunteer their time. I know, right? Craziness. Why would you volunteer and donate your time helping others, when you could be doing something far more constructive and more creative with your time.

If you’re serious about making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! then you will definitely want to incorporate a consistent habit of Not Volunteering into your daily life. This begs the question, however: What is at the core of Not Volunteering? I’m glad you asked me that. At bottom, to live a life of Not Volunteering, you must be consumed with greed.

A12922s4jat

Gordon Gecko the beloved yet culpable character of the movie Wall Street, from the late, great 1980’s had a famous saying: “Greed is good. Greed works.” So, be greedy with your time. Be greedy with your money. Don’t donate or give money to charities or anything like that. Not even a penny!

You might be saying at this point, “Eminent Dr. Jefferson B. Holbrook, that seems a bit harsh.” Well, think about this for a minute. If you give a dollar to a homeless person who is in desperate need of food, it won’t be long until you are giving two dollars to the person with no legs who is selling pencils in front of the K-Mart.

57c6077384809.image

Next, you might be tempted to put three dollars in the bucket next to a drunk Santa Claus with a fake beard during the Holidays. After that, it’s four dollars in the open saxophone case next to a washed-up musician who is lighting Greensleaves on fire!

Greensleeves

Then you’ll be giving five dollars to your child who wants to buy lunch at school today…Where does it end?! Have you noticed that people seem to get hungry Every. Single. Day?!

It’s contagious, too. That hunger. Maybe I’m just succumbing to peer pressure, but I’ve started to find myself getting hungry, pretty much on a regular basis…as much as three times a day!

Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to make it look like you are being generous. Perception is NOT reality…not truly or technically. BUT perception IS reality to the lazy majority. We’ve seen this time and time again. If enough people sit on their couches and watch TV and do not venture outside long enough to find the truth out for themselves, then whatever perception the media purports, will eventually become the truth…or, at least, something dangerously close to it. With a little effort, you can actually appear to be quite generous while still being a stingy Grinch!

how-the-grinch-stole-christmas-7

Pro Tip #1: Use an empty envelope to drop into the offering plate as it makes its rounds on Sunday mornings at your local religious establishment. This will make those around you think that you are being generous, when in fact, you are being a selfish asshole.

monopoly_830

Pro Tip #2: Use fake currency to drop into the bucket at Christmas-time and into any open guitar cases or the aforementioned saxophone case. [Unless, of course, the nice young gentleman on the sidewalk or underpass happens to be playing Tenor Sax, then and only then should you part with real currency.] Don’t make the rookie mistake of using Monopoly money. This will be too obvious to those watching you be all generous-y and stuff. My suggestion is to use the fake money with Bible verses and witnessing information on it that looks an awful lot like real money until you try to spend it…. Then you end up looking like either an ignorant idiot having been duped yourself, or a witless witness-er. They call these little cards, pamphlets, and yes, fake money, TRACTS. 1010_01They also call the needle marks on the inside of a drug addicts arm TRACK marks which sounds very similar…. Coincidence?

Over-commitment is the key to disappointing people!

Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s actually okay to sign up to volunteer. Over-commitment is the key to disappointing people! And take it a step further. Don’t just over-commit. Sign up, and don’t Show Up. Make it look like you are being sacrificial and selfless with your time and talents by leveraging the power of Photoshop! This is as easy as finding and downloading a photograph of a group of individuals working selflessly as a team and then splicing your sorry butt into the picture!

But if you are serious about making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! then you are not going to stop there. Once you’ve completed your doctored photo, upload it to Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. Hell, even put it on Pinterest. Brag about all the good you allegedly did working tirelessly alongside people you will never meet! This is taking Anti-volunteerism to a Whole. Nother. Le-vel. This will lead people to believe that you do in fact care (when you don’t) and that you did in fact build a home for the homeless, feed the hungry, etc., (which you did not do at all).

Maybe you’re not sure about what to do with asw fishll this spare time you have on your hands by not volunteering. Well, again I am here to help. My suggestion is to take all the money that you saved by not donating to worthwhile charities and the time you saved by not driving down to the homeless shelter or the mission and go to the movies. There’re always some decent, or half-way decent, or slightly less than horrible movies playing at the local Multi-Plex!

Or maybe, you just want to be a homebody. And, don’t believe that country song, if you want to be a homebody, you do, in fact, have the option of NOT having a Houseparty!

House_Party_1990_Movie_Poster

You could crash on the couch and eat Oreo’s! Unless they are the special Swedish Fish Oreo’s, because there is just something not quite right about that combination…

But, it’s actually true, Oreo’s will not eat themselves. I know for a fact that is true because sometimes I leave my brand new packs of Oreo’s in the pantry for as long as ten minutes and they are still there when I finally cave in and pounce on them!

This will also give you more time to channel surf. You could keep watching the latest NASCAR race. Sure, the racers have been turning left for the last 1,842 laps, but maybe next time they’ll turn RIGHT!!

24Crash_1-jumbo

And if you happen to be a Wordsmith such as myself, you might take this extra dose of downtime to make up new words…like, “Thundersnap!” That’s a cool word.

In conclusion, it’s important to note that consistency is the key here. Only abstaining from volunteering and faking generosity every once in a while can only give us mixed results. If you are dedicated in your pursuit of hoarding your own time and money, then you will be well on your way to making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!

14207626_10210650027230690_5837287044457880435_o

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his boys in the southeastern United States.

@jbh418

facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.

 

 

 

Sighing Language

Sighing Language

In the beginning was the Song

and the Song was God

and She was the Song.

God sang the worlds into creation.

So when She sighs, She sires.

Then life happens, and shit happens,

and all manner of things happen.

This life is what transpires before we expire,

lying broken, battered, bones shattered on the mat…

but before… before you are lying in state… intestate.

before it is too late,

we are on a mission, walking on a wire,

listening to liars, frolicking with friars, dancing with dryads,

we are on fire, on a pyre

misjudged by our misunderstood magic,

then sliding heavenward higher and higher.

Azure and ArgentThen our mission is to guard the living,

guide them in forgiving, blessing the barren land,

the dry cracked earth with gentle rains

the essence of evaporated dreams and steam

of holy water from the timestream.

When winter splinters and surrenders,

we bless the remnant, the rag-tag,

the stressed, the all-that-is-left,

with sudden spring showers,

and those who remain blessed, maintain that they

can see salvation in the blatant beauty of a flower…when?

“No one knows the day or the time.”28650609014_539576ddb6_o

But then She

will find me free in a place we used to be,

sheltered on all sides with safe cliffs on three

and the water on one, in the lee of a cove.

In that cover we wait.

We wait for lovers wiser than we,

or wiser, at least, than me.

Yet still you may find me, says She,

when you search for me with your whole heart:

carefully

prayerfully.

And may we find ourselves at the end;

after we’re buried, carried along the path,

and at the end of the path, a clearing:

once a field of clover now covered with roses since.

We find our freedom then in becoming light and sky

twinkling like the fires of distant suns

with the same spark we find in young shy eyes.

One with the argent and the azure,

the blue and the white of clouds and sky.

Heaven is never having to ask “why?”

Over what once was a field of clover,

now covered with roses since…

Over this carpet of purple and red petals

Rises the brightest whitest moon we have ever seen,

and we hear the song we have become,

listening long into the eternal night at the silence,

we listen

then whisper

with wisdom.

 

new profile scruffy

 

Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.

@jbh418

facebook.com/jeffersonh

© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.