New! Top Ten Things to Do to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!
by Jefferson Holbrook, DSC.
— Step # 6 Don’t Volunteer! —
The long-awaited, highly anticipated next installment in the Top Ten Ways to Make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! is finally HERE!!
Just a quick recap: As part of the Self-Help articles (Selfish-Helpless), we have so far learned 5 key ways to make 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!
- Holding Grudges
Step Six: Don’t Volunteer!
Let’s face it. At the end of the day, your time is your own. It belongs to you and no one else. So why on earth would you give your time to anyone else?! You deserve it. Keep all your time. Some people actually volunteer their time. I know, right? Craziness. Why would you volunteer and donate your time helping others, when you could be doing something far more constructive and more creative with your time.
If you’re serious about making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! then you will definitely want to incorporate a consistent habit of Not Volunteering into your daily life. This begs the question, however: What is at the core of Not Volunteering? I’m glad you asked me that. At bottom, to live a life of Not Volunteering, you must be consumed with greed.
Gordon Gecko the beloved yet culpable character of the movie Wall Street, from the late, great 1980’s had a famous saying: “Greed is good. Greed works.” So, be greedy with your time. Be greedy with your money. Don’t donate or give money to charities or anything like that. Not even a penny!
You might be saying at this point, “Eminent Dr. Jefferson B. Holbrook, that seems a bit harsh.” Well, think about this for a minute. If you give a dollar to a homeless person who is in desperate need of food, it won’t be long until you are giving two dollars to the person with no legs who is selling pencils in front of the K-Mart.
Next, you might be tempted to put three dollars in the bucket next to a drunk Santa Claus with a fake beard during the Holidays. After that, it’s four dollars in the open saxophone case next to a washed-up musician who is lighting Greensleaves on fire!
Then you’ll be giving five dollars to your child who wants to buy lunch at school today…Where does it end?! Have you noticed that people seem to get hungry Every. Single. Day?!
It’s contagious, too. That hunger. Maybe I’m just succumbing to peer pressure, but I’ve started to find myself getting hungry, pretty much on a regular basis…as much as three times a day!
Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to make it look like you are being generous. Perception is NOT reality…not truly or technically. BUT perception IS reality to the lazy majority. We’ve seen this time and time again. If enough people sit on their couches and watch TV and do not venture outside long enough to find the truth out for themselves, then whatever perception the media purports, will eventually become the truth…or, at least, something dangerously close to it. With a little effort, you can actually appear to be quite generous while still being a stingy Grinch!
Pro Tip #1: Use an empty envelope to drop into the offering plate as it makes its rounds on Sunday mornings at your local religious establishment. This will make those around you think that you are being generous, when in fact, you are being a selfish asshole.
Pro Tip #2: Use fake currency to drop into the bucket at Christmas-time and into any open guitar cases or the aforementioned saxophone case. [Unless, of course, the nice young gentleman on the sidewalk or underpass happens to be playing Tenor Sax, then and only then should you part with real currency.] Don’t make the rookie mistake of using Monopoly money. This will be too obvious to those watching you be all generous-y and stuff. My suggestion is to use the fake money with Bible verses and witnessing information on it that looks an awful lot like real money until you try to spend it…. Then you end up looking like either an ignorant idiot having been duped yourself, or a witless witness-er. They call these little cards, pamphlets, and yes, fake money, TRACTS. They also call the needle marks on the inside of a drug addicts arm TRACK marks which sounds very similar…. Coincidence?
Over-commitment is the key to disappointing people!
Don’t get the wrong idea, it’s actually okay to sign up to volunteer. Over-commitment is the key to disappointing people! And take it a step further. Don’t just over-commit. Sign up, and don’t Show Up. Make it look like you are being sacrificial and selfless with your time and talents by leveraging the power of Photoshop! This is as easy as finding and downloading a photograph of a group of individuals working selflessly as a team and then splicing your sorry butt into the picture!
But if you are serious about making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever! then you are not going to stop there. Once you’ve completed your doctored photo, upload it to Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram. Hell, even put it on Pinterest. Brag about all the good you allegedly did working tirelessly alongside people you will never meet! This is taking Anti-volunteerism to a Whole. Nother. Le-vel. This will lead people to believe that you do in fact care (when you don’t) and that you did in fact build a home for the homeless, feed the hungry, etc., (which you did not do at all).
Maybe you’re not sure about what to do with all this spare time you have on your hands by not volunteering. Well, again I am here to help. My suggestion is to take all the money that you saved by not donating to worthwhile charities and the time you saved by not driving down to the homeless shelter or the mission and go to the movies. There’re always some decent, or half-way decent, or slightly less than horrible movies playing at the local Multi-Plex!
Or maybe, you just want to be a homebody. And, don’t believe that country song, if you want to be a homebody, you do, in fact, have the option of NOT having a Houseparty!
You could crash on the couch and eat Oreo’s! Unless they are the special Swedish Fish Oreo’s, because there is just something not quite right about that combination…
But, it’s actually true, Oreo’s will not eat themselves. I know for a fact that is true because sometimes I leave my brand new packs of Oreo’s in the pantry for as long as ten minutes and they are still there when I finally cave in and pounce on them!
This will also give you more time to channel surf. You could keep watching the latest NASCAR race. Sure, the racers have been turning left for the last 1,842 laps, but maybe next time they’ll turn RIGHT!!
And if you happen to be a Wordsmith such as myself, you might take this extra dose of downtime to make up new words…like, “Thundersnap!” That’s a cool word.
In conclusion, it’s important to note that consistency is the key here. Only abstaining from volunteering and faking generosity every once in a while can only give us mixed results. If you are dedicated in your pursuit of hoarding your own time and money, then you will be well on your way to making 2016 Your Worst Year Ever!
Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his boys in the southeastern United States.
© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.