New! Top Ten Things to Do to Make 2016 the Worst Year Ever!
by Jefferson Holbrook, DSC.
— Step # 2 Procrastinate! —
So, if you’re like me, you’re thinking that 2015 was what it was. It could have been better; it could have been worse. Well, it’s time to take matters into your own hands. I’m fond of saying that you shouldn’t wait for things to happen, you should make them happen. If you want 2016 to be the Worst Year Ever, you are going to have to get started now with negative habits that will last a lifetime! Because I am here to help, I have put together an easy to follow plan, ten easy steps to take. Last week we learned how to Complain. Today, we’ll look at Step #2 , Procrastinating…
I put off writing this blog as long as I possibly could, for obvious reasons. When so many different priorities are competing for your attention and expertise, the easiest course of action is usually the best. Do nothing. This is just the opposite of the Nike slogan. If the good people at Nike really wanted to help people have their Worst Year Ever, they would have the decency to change their slogan to “Just Don’t Do It.” That would convey a powerful message. Why work hard and be productive or efficient or whatever when all that will do is provide a potential for a future reward? Doing absolutely nothing pays off right now! Putting things off until tomorrow doesn’t just work for things like diets or exercise plans. Procrastinating can help you fail at everything from jobs to relationships.
Putting off paying the bills or even looking at your bank account has immediate rewards. If you don’t look, you can assume that everything is okey-dokey. You can just keep spending money like nobody’s business. And if anyone calls you out on your reckless spending, you can reframe this by saying that you are “Not living a life of deprivation,” or “Living abundantly.” This is also known as being a proponent of Prosperity Doctrine and will put in good company, with such fine folks as the independently wealthy and/or multi-level marketers.
Instead of being a no-good layabout, you are “Being Mindful,” and “Listening to the Universe.” These are excellent excuses for not doing a damn thing and will work for those pesky interactions with friends and family for at least a little while. To be honest, it’s hard to tell just what the Universe is saying exactly. It could be saying that now is the time to get out in the world and work hard to achieve your goals…. But the Universe is more than likely saying that you should finish off the rest of those Chips Ahoy cookies and binge-watch Netflix.
If that pesky boss keeps telling you to do something, the easiest and most passive-aggressive way to say you don’t give a crap is to continue to NOT do whatever it is you are being told to do. If you’re lucky this will get you fired and then you are off and running to your Worst Year Ever! But don’t stop there. Get creative. Sometimes the best way to let a friend know that you are not really interested in being a good friend is to let them down.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m so not advocating ignoring your friends. To successfully procrastinate you need to first acknowledge their needs. This requires Active Listening Skills, which basically is the same thing as looking up from your phone occassionally, making eye contact, and grunting a vague “uh-huh” at just the right moments. Once you establish that they need your help you immediately agree to help them. Don’t hesitate. Don’t ask for any details. Don’t even write anything down (such as the time they need to be picked up and where, etc.). You aren’t going to actually help them. Remember, perception is reality, so if they think you care, maybe you actually are being a good friend.
Another key component of procrastination is dealing with the fall-out. You never want to acknowledge that you are, in fact, procrastinating. What you want to try to do is dress up your procrastination in the guise of patience. Why didn’t you start your diet? Why didn’t you call that person back yet? Why haven’t you paid the bills or gone to the store or found a job yet? You are just being patient and that’s OKAY. (Not really, but you get the idea.) And, while we’re being real, let’s be clear about what we’re doing. Disguising procrastination as patience is a lot like putting an ugly dog in an even uglier Christmas sweater. It’s NOT OKAY. But you see where we’re going with this, right?
Saying that we are being Patient when we are really Procrastinating allows us to be self-righteous when we are called out. In this way, it is totally not our fault and something is apparently wrong, instead, with the entire rest of the world. This leads us naturally to Step # 3, Blame! We will explore this topic in the next installment.
Having mastered the art of Complaining and Procrastinating, you should be well on your way to making 2016 the Worst Year Ever!! Feel free to leave comments below on your progress so far, and good luck!
Jefferson Holbrook, DSC, received a Doctor of Science in Communications from Tudor College of Earlscroft University and has published numerous essays, articles, poems, short stories and blogs. He is also the author of two collections of poetry. He lives with his family in the southeastern United States.
© Copyright 2016 Jefferson Brian Holbrook and Kingdom of the Son. All rights reserved.